This is perhaps the lamest I have ever felt. A trail of all
so hectic days. Going to distant places__heavy traffics __endless traveling.
Had the finest booze of my life, late last night. Went to Archee.. returned at
9. Then the bottle of 100 pipers and only three of us. Each one of us trying to
explain the other… something, something I still don’t know. It’s like
everything in pieces makes sense, but as a whole, I didn’t have the faintest
idea :P. the only conclusion I remember for myself was that even my perception
could be deceptive. Even I could be wrong. But SO WHAT?
This isn’t something I don’t know. I could be wrong. I have
been wrong. Many a times indeed. The babbling xtended to 5 in the morning. I
slept… but only after vomiting. No one ever made me vomit with so much of care
and love before. TY Nandu :) . U tried to make a lot of sense but as a whole I
don’t think even u know exactly what u meant that day. Had a train at 12:40 to
catch. Woke up past 11 to one of the ugliest mornings of my life. I was hung over. Felt
like vomiting, but failed to vomit for long. Tried to get the ticket cancelled.
But the heat... the desperate summers of Delhi and the prospect of AC at home
prompted me to bear the morning of inconvenience. Rushed to the refrigerator
for some cold water. There was great desperation, for that cold glass of water.
Never in my life, I had wanted things, all so badly. No water bottle in fridge
and no ice tray either. Felt like killing myself, not literally though. Was still feeling like vomiting… but kept packing the
stuffs. Was getting late.. knew about the Mc D at the railway station. Thought of
rushing directly to the station and the prospect of a yummy burger and chilled
cold-drink, made me desperate again.
Reached the station late, thanks to the rush. To add to
irony, landed on platform 16 from opposite end of the station. Seeing the
station I realized that Mc D was at old Delhi station. Train was about to
leave. Just picked a packet of green lays + water + cold-drink. Opened all__
had none__ just wanted to puke a lil. Water was not chilled. I was so
desperate. Wanted to end my life on the spot, at that cause, literally this time. The world is
really so full of things __ all of so much equal importance. I couldn’t choose between
a glass of ice cold water and my mom at that time__ for long.
That hang over, that hunger and that thirst… I shall never
forget.
Had a damn beautiful girl, a lil next to me. Only her very
decent dad separated us. I was getting very bored. Pathetically bored. Started
thinking about Nandu’s yesterday’s crap. I was puking last night__ had an awful
mood and awful taste__ so slept without saying things I was supposed to, or
better I had to. Landed up into a place where I never talked so much. I wanted
to say a lot of things. From yesterdays conversations, I was full of issues. I
had 75 things to talk about :P. all I wanted was a lending ear__ very
desperately. Of all the folks around me on the train, only that girl and her dad, seemed viable. Felt awkward in starting some idiotic conversation.
This shame… this fear… and this feeling of awkwardness… I wanna get rid of
them all.I was desperate to talk. Still desperate for a bottle of chilled
water. It was so hot. None of the vendors had cold water. None of them had
a cold cold-drink. That train journey
turned into a journey of desperation. Thought of talking to the girl again.had
to get away with her dad first. I was desperate to start the conversation. I
started rehearsing in my mind. I thought I would say something like this to
uncle___ :” excuse me__ would you really
mind if we(you and me :P) talk for some time? And things like__ why have you
been so quiet for now. I m alone.. but u have ur daughter next to u. why aren’t
u talking? are u getting bored? Or are u thinking about something? Ok__ tell me
what do u like the most in this life? Or better let’s start with what do u do…
where r u going? Bla blab la… “ I was being so specific about the conversation.
Then I thought he’ll start liking me, or at least pleasantly bearing me. Then I’ll say(when some silence prevails)
:”__ ok now would you really mind, if I
talk to ur daughter for some time :P. then ask him to swap places with me…”__ and
then might try to have a good conversation with her too.
I thought that was enough rehearsal. I must start now, I
said to myself. I turned to them. Both had slept. Desperation was at it’s peak.
I too decided to sleep. That’s something I m very good at, most of the time. A sixer
woke me up for money. The beautiful girl and her dad had already left. Quietly
gave the sixer a 10 rupee note and the agony of boredom, engulfed me again.
I wanted to be home. Instantly. Without sitting for a
moment. The thought of some spicy food and chilled water made me desperate again.
Still no one to talk to. Staring outside of that heated window, I wanted to
die. Thought of jumping from the train, but did care for the pain.(god, it
rhymes). Don’t wanna see the train again, for long.(archee m sorry, m not about to think about any journey again.)
I don’t wanna go anywhere right now. I
have left college recently. M getting so bored and deadly right now. But not
for a moment I have thought about the college friends. I have left the college
and the college friends for a while now. Last few days of college were so
boring. When m alone and m getting bored, I can live with it(I have to live
with it), but when m with 4-5 people and that too friends, and I get bored__ I
feel pity on me. Not pity exactly, something more than that. I have agreed to
go to NE, 'coz I couldn’t say No. For that feeling, I might even come with you__
but with a bit of guilt of within__ the guilt of doing things I don’t wanna do.
So right now, I m not coming. M sorry, though I need not be.
I love you guys, but still right now, I don’t wanna come. First things first.
Right now, all I want is that AC room, m so desperate about. Want some very
delicious food, m so desperate for. And then in that room, I wanna live for few
days, without coming out for a moment. All this, just because of this journey of desperation m having right now. Ain't got any novel now. No decent person in surrounding too. Little battery in ma phone. Can't listen to music too. And to add to irony, have to travel to Delhi again for the admission.
Next to me is sitting a guy, who’s been recaught by police.
Young guy who ran away after being sentenced to 10 years of imprisonment. I too m caught I think. This train has caught
me. M dying here. 5 more hours to go. Don’t know what to do. Boredom can be
killing. M really suffocating. Caught into the virtues of good and bad. We are
all caught here. We all come up with our own sets of standards regarding good
and bad__ and are all caught up into them for so long.
It’s really not about everything that makes sense… it’s
about everything that leads to motion__ that simplifies things__ that helps.
the ending is abrupt, coz i was writing all this on the vacant spaces, i could manage in the Hindustan Times... and there are no spaces left.
